Pink Strawberry

"Adagio"

Non so dove trovarti
Non so come cercarti
Ma sento una voce che
Nel vento parla di te
Quest' anima senza cuore
Aspetta te
Adagio
Le notti senza pelle
I sogni senza stelle
Immagini del tuo viso
Che passano all' improvviso
Mi fanno sperare ancora
Che ti trovero
Adagio
Chiudo gli occhi e vedo te
Trovo il cammino che
Mi porta via
Dall' agonia
Sento battere in me
Questa musica che
Ho inventato per te
Se sai come trovarmi
Se sai dove cercarmi
Abbracciami con la mente
Il sole mi sembra spento
Accendi il tuo nome in cielo
Dimmi che ci sei
Quello che vorrei
Vivere in te
Il sole mi sembra spento
Abbracciami con la mente
Smarrita senza di te
Dimmi chi sei e ci credero
Musica sei
Adagio

I’ve come to realise that everything has to do with our state of mind at any given time. A tiny blip in your day or life can have you in desperation, likewise you can handle a disaster with philosophy. It all depends on how you’re feeling at the time.

If you’re at your lowest ebb, feeling tired and stressed out, unloved and unappreciated, it can happen that someone’s indelicate joke or a phone call not received or even a cake which didn’t quite turn out how it should have, can have you in tears, tearing your hair out and asking the Heavens WHYYYYYYY this happened to you.

But it can also happen that you react to the death of a loved one, a job loss or some other unthinkable thing with great strength.

It’s all about your state of mind at the time.

It is also true in the opposite way. I mean, when you receive an unexpected phone call, or a flower from a stranger, a smile from the lips you die after, an email from a long lost friend, a compliment.. these are all little joys to make our days worthwhile, to make us smile. But if our state of mind is poor at the time, we give it nothing other than a small nod of recognition, thus wasting a beautiful moment and not letting this precious detail save itself on our brain somewhere.

Feng Shui experts proclaim that uncluttering your home of useless or horrible things and the careful placing of the things which remain, declutters your life and lets the good in. I, for instance, feel great peace with myself when I declutter my closet….

I used to be a real hoarder and had a huge mess of 80s, 90s and recent pieces of clothing all bundled together. It was a total nightmare just opening my closet. And buying beautiful new pieces were a joy only until I’d get them home and hang them up, as they’d totally lose their appeal once they mingled with the 80s ra-ra and 90s leggings. So, one day I braced myself with as much will power as I could muster, and became a heartless critic for the day. The result was 3 bin liners full of clothes for charity… and a beautiful, perfumed, re-organised closet, with pieces I didn’t even remember having and space for the new to come.

So, if this is the case, the same principle should work on our brains too, no? If we take out all the un necessary baggage from our brain, the horrible bits of the past and just leave the good ones, in theory, we would be making room for the yin and yang to flow freely and thus opening up our chakras or whatever to receive nice gestures and beautiful moments, and, as we have some clean closet space up there, these “moments” can hang themselves up on the shelves provided.

Imagine opening the closet in your brain and finding neat piles of smiles, compliments, love, precious time with loved ones, laughs… instead of a mass disorder of good, bad and damn ugly.

I’m thinking it’s definitely time to get spring cleaning…

Why is it that people come into our lives at one time.. just to leave it sometime later without so much as a warning?

I don’t mean acquaintances or lovers.. there are always plenty of good reasons for them.

I mean people that just pop in out of the blue one day.. turn your existence upside down, mash up your mind.. and then just leave, out again into the abyss from where they came without a word.. what did their stay in your life mean? What was it all for? Is there a cosmic reason and if so.. what is it??

Some people’s lives are touched for a reason by these “ghosts”.. solace in a moment of need for instance. In this case it’s a great help to the person in question and the ghost takes on another name.. “Angel”.

But when it happens for no apparent reason other than to just confuse the hell out of you and set you back then… WHY??

When you’re busy going about your business and perfection suddenly appears out of nowhere, makes you take notice of them, brings your mind to so many possibilities, and gives you hope.. then goes straight back out of your life again.. what’s the reason? How can God just do this?? I didn’t ask for perfection to just show up in my life.. well maybe I did.. but not to just be dangled in front of me for a few months and then be taken away again.. did I forget to mention the last part in my prayer? And, if so, shouldn’t it just be.. Obvious?

I’m trying hard to look back at this episode and find a good reason for this to have happened.. did this ghost help me in any way.. well, actually, no he didn’t.. the only thing he did in his stay in my life was refuse to authorise my credit card! Other than that he totally confused me. The only positive thing was the hope… but as we say in my part of the world.. “he who lives on hope, dies hopeless”

If God asked us to choose one super power, I would have to choose Think Bubbles..

All day, every day, for always we are confronted with people who speak to us or look at us in some way or other-I’ve always wanted to know exactly what these people are really thinking. I pride myself in being honest, but even I hide things from the person I have in front of me-feelings for instance.

When your friend tells you “that dress looks sooo good on you” is she actually thinking it or is her thought “your ass looks huge”..? When someone tells you the cheque’s in the post is it or in reality is it still in their cheque book? When a guy tells you he loves you, does he or does he really mean “you’ll do until something better comes along”?

.. And this is when people actually talk to you.. what about all the others we come across every day that don’t speak but just look at us.. in a post office queue.. in a shop.. in a club.. across a room… in a bar?

Are they looking at us because of recognition… desire… curiosity… or is my hair sticking up? What is it they want to communicate, if anything?

They say eyes are the windows to the soul.. so you should be able to get answers from them, right? We then have to analyse what their eyes expressed.. what their expression was like.. you copy this expression and think about what you’d want to communicate if you look at someone in this way..

We can spend hours and hours trying to fathom it… reality is we’re never right. All we do is waste precious time… and never know the truth.

Now Think Bubbles… that would just be pure genius!

We could cut out all the crap.. and the other person would never know!

When a languid look your way is accompanied by a Think Bubble reading “I’m not interested.. I’m just playing with you” then you can simply look at the person and turn your nose up. Thus avoiding wasting precious time and keeping your dignity intact…and also put the guy’s nose out of joint when their glances are not returned!

There’s a precise moment when something begins.. and ends, but isn’t it funny how we never realise the beginning of it at the time?

I mean.. things that are so important should be accompanied by bells, music, drums.. something!

Instead you go about your life unsuspecting.. but for a niggly little feeling inside which you just seem to ignore.. until one day BANG! … you think “what the hell’s all this about?” what’s going on?? When did this happen??!

From one day to the next this THING takes over your life… your thoughts, your dreams, your words, your sight.. everything. Just like that. Even though the REAL start was some time in the past which went unnoticed.

So all of a sudden you have a new purpose in life, a spring in your step, a dream in your heart and something to wake up for in the morning. Something to get dressed up and look your best for. A future.

You think it’s a gift from the Heavens.. God has finally found you worthy of such a grace..

I mean it was imminent.. when you think about it, it just HAD to happen of course.

So you re-trace the steps, trying to remember details.. God, Yeah!! I remember this episode.. and that one too.. and that one!!! When did that actually happen?? That was AGES ago..

How could I not have REALISED??!! What an idiot!!

….. instead we seem to know very well when the said thing ends. Every minute detail.. date, time, what we were wearing, where we were sitting… our feelings.. the words…. Everything!

And the ending seems to be accompanied with the music of doom, with darkness… despair.

And then you get to thinking…

… If the Start went so unnoticed… then this Thing was obviously unimportant after all. We chose to make it a focal point in our lives.. it was all in the mind.

***
So I’ll just try to be more attentive from now on… The bells… I need to hear the bells.. then I’ll know..

When something seems to reaccur time after time to a person, is it just bad luck or because the said person brings it upon themselves?

Time after time, in my case for instance, I go about my business when suddenly I notice a particular look in some guy’s eyes whom I don’t know.. It somehow happens that the guy in question is exactly the type I go for but for one reason or another I don’t notice. The look goes on time after time when we cross each other, and I notice, but it just skims past me.

Then one day, out of the blue, BANG! It hits me. I suddenly notice them properly and it’s like a train travels over me.. I remember every look, every situation, their eyes, their gestures.. and I start feeling that, hey…he’s hot!

And from then I think of nothing else.

I spend my time daydreaming.. how could I have not properly noticed him before?… how could I have ignored his languid glances my way?… and I resolve to make a difference to my behaviour towards him as for sure he was sent down from Heaven.. he’s got to be The One!

So I start being where I know the guy in question will be.. I’ll notice him arriving and through rose tinted glasses (both real and virtual) I’ll look up at him.. he’ll notice that I’m finally returning his gaze.. I’ll add a half smile.. he’ll look ecstatic like he’s been waiting for this moment all his life.. I’ll be thinking “OMG.. he’s going to come over any minute and start talking to me”…

…then he finishes his coffee and… walks away back to work!

So.. I wonder what’s just happened.. did I miss something? Oh ok.. of course.. he’s with his colleagues. I mean it’s embarrassing for him, no? Tomorrow he’ll come here without them and shower me with roses.

So tomorrow I get ready.. careful to look as hot as possible. I spend my morning in anticipation waiting for the arrival of lunchtime.. and my dream man. Last night I’m sure I dreamt of him as he was the first thing on my mind this morning..

Here goes.. half past one.. I’m sitting at my usual bar.. it’s early yet. I mean I know my man’s work close at 20 past for lunch and it only takes 3 seconds to arrive but there must have been a problem at work, he’ll run over in a minute..

2 O’clock… hmmm.. Big problem at work..

2.30.. ??!! Oh I understand.. he couldn’t get rid of his colleagues as they needed to have a business lunch and they took him to another bar.. damn… tomorrow then
Ok today he’ll be coming definitely so I need to look even hotter than yesterday.. I mean his anticipation will be sky high..

1.40.. shall I have a cigarette? OMG no.. what if he hates smokers? Better not!

2.10.. shit I’m dying for a fag… but if I light up he’s bound to just appear..

2.27… what the hell's going on?? OMG..I think I can spot him now in the distance.. Thank God.. but.. he’s got to be back at work in a few minutes.. that doesn’t give us much time for the conversation I’ve been going over and over in my head. Still.. he’ll obviously just say “Hi.. I’ve been in love with you for months but didn’t have the courage to come up to you as you’re just soo beautiful.. please come to dinner with me tonight”… Ok that’s it.. but I need to act cool and nonchalant about it, I mean..

..There’s the look!!! There’s the smile!!! Ok sit up as he’s coming over…

…why isn’t he here yet? Why are they taking so long to make his coffee???

Where’s he going??? Why’s he going away back to work without coming up to me first??! Oh God.. he’s with his colleagues again!!! Bloody colleagues.

So I spend hours analysing every detail. He stares at me… He smiles at me.. He nods his head at me.. His eyes light up when he sees me.. I’m not crazy-all these things really happen. Ok he’s chronically shy and I’m giving him “Piss Off” looks by mistake. God my friends do say I have a “Piss Off” face unless I smile.

****

…After a month I’ve perfected my smile, I don’t wear my sunglasses so that he can see my “come on” looks clearly without any doubt.

..and he looks as if he’s ecstatic every time we meet eyes and both smile at each other.. so.. why does he continue to just drink his coffee and go back to work without so much as a word? It has to be just impossible for him to get away from his colleagues. What a nightmare!

..he’s got to be on Facebook somewhere.. that’s it. I’ll find him on there and send him a message.. that’s the answer to our problems. I’ve never made the first step before.. I mean.. I’m a Woman for goodness sake.. Ok but it’s New Year New Me..

10.37 ..there he is.. shall I or shan’t I? DO IT!!!! OMGGGG…. He’ll be sooo incredibly happy when he receives it!

00.25.. why hasn’t he answered yet? I mean everyone checks their Facebook every half an hour just in case someone they’ve been lusting after just decides to find them and send them a message..

02.48 Ok I need to go to bed.. I’m so tired. I mean I know he’ll probably answer me as soon as I switch off but that’s good.. he can wait for his reply!!!!

07.24 Why am I awake so early on a Saturday morning? Oh well.. I might as well check my Facebook. But I won’t answer him straight away..
…erm.. no answer yet? Well of course.. he went out last night hoping to find me at some club, and then went to bed straight away with a heavy heart as he didn’t see me.

5.43 What’s going on?? Shit, does he not ever look at his Facebook??

9.46 OH MY LORD… there’s a message from him!!! He’s finally got it.. Shit.. I hope he doesn’t ask me to marry him straight out on a Facebook message!!!

Let me read..

“hi.. of course I recognise you..(it couldn’t be otherwise!!!)..thanks for the thought”

……What?? What do you mean?? Hang on a second… erm.. where’s the marriage proposal? Hell.. where’s the pleasure that for sure you would feel at receiving a message from me.. ME whom you’ve stared at for months.. and smiled.. and nodded at.. and whom your eyes shone brighter for?? Thanks for the thought??? Isn’t that like saying “WTF do you want??”

You know something?? YOU’re the one who started all this.. I was busy minding my own business when YOU decided to disturb me with you insistant looks while I was trying to drink my coffee in peace.. I mean.. What Kind of A Man Are You??!!! Do you have any idea how many men are dying to be by my side?? Yes of course you do as you’re obviously not immune to my looks we both know that.. so what was it?? A lunch time game???

..Well you know what.. Go play with someone else.. I’ve got no time for you!!

Closed off from Love, I didn’t need the painOnce or Twice was enough, and it was all invain.. I wonder if this is the reason people (ie I) act indifferent in front of obvious interest from someone they’re (I’m) interested in.. This would be fine, but then I spend forever suffering silently while they get the idea to let me be due to my lack of interest.  I’ve let this happen over and over and over.. I believed at first it was shyness.. only I’m not so shy, so I guess it has to be fear of suffering again.. but I’m suffering anyway without them, so you know what.. I’m going to break this chain. I want to be cut open and bleed love-it’s time. … and who happens to be the Chosen One?…. ..My Bank Manager who refused me my credit card!!!!  If in your fear, you search in Love for peace and pleasure,Then better it would be for you to get off the path of love,To a world without seasons,Where you laugh, but not all your laughter,And cry, but not all your tears

Lately I’ve come across some strange mystical messages.. you see, all through life I’ve been on “stand by” waiting for my ‘Real’ life to start. I just needed to get to 8 stone for it to begin. I remember as far back as 17 needing just half a stone to get to my life entry and this has gone on for … well a LONG time now and I’m still waiting.. the half a stone became 1 then 2..even 3 stones to go, and then back down again to that damned 7lbs excess. But with the years also came other factors.. location being one of them. “Just As Soon As I get to my dream land my life will start..” After 5 years in my dreamland still living on “stand by” I figured maybe my life will really start when I get back to my homeland.. and get to 8 stone. Just As Soon As that day comes I will finally live instead of just exist. An ad on TV kept telling me to Live or Exist-that I had the key.. but where’s the damned lock?! I just KNOW my life is waiting to happen-one day soon I will wake up, weigh myself and I’ll be there. While I’m celebrating my ‘birth’ the phone will ring and it’ll be Dolce&Gabbana telling me they want me as their muse (although they’ve not seen me 8 stone yet but they saw the potential), then I’ll check my Facebook and, there, in front of me will be my long lost love whose been searching the world and the net for me for 10 years, who has in the meantime become a tycoon. An email will inform me that I’ve been head hunted to become the CEO of a multinational and on checking a 2 week old lottery ticket I’ll find out that I’ve won various millions. All this in the space of 15 minutes. Not to mention the red carpet of my life unfolding in front of me with every moment that passes from then on. This will happen.. I know it. Just As Soon As.. ..What I wasn’t expecting was that.. everyone else’s life is on stand by too. Everywhere I look and listen lately, people are admitting their Paused life. “Just As Soon As I get that job”.. ”Just As Soon As he calls” .. “Just As Soon As my child’s older” .. “Just As Soon As I get my insurance money” ….. If everyone’s life’s on hold-who has the remote????????????  ..Whoever you are-please PRESS PLAY!